We are a process unfolding

“The more basic the existential concept, the more unlikely it is that it is open to empirical verification or rejection. Is the universe indifferent to our hopes, dreams, and loves? Are each of us essentially alone and responsible for our own fate? When you come right down to it, is life meaningless except for whatever meanings we ourselves can invent?”

Dear Death and Dying course, I’m going to miss you.

Things I did this weekend (in random order)

  1. Cleaned the house
  2. Found a subletter for my room
  3. Went grocery shopping
  4. Met potential roommate for next year on a shawarma-date
  5. Watched ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’, ‘Moonrise Kingdom’, ‘Juno’, and half of ‘Everyone Says I Love You’, and ‘Me, You and Everyone We Know’
  6. Cooked khichdi and rajma
  7. Wrote a letter to myself
  8. Started reading Isaac Asimov for the very first time. Finished his ‘Robot’ collection.
  9. Got my period (sigh/relief. bring on the painkillers)
  10. Read my very first Ursula Le Guin- The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
  11. Worked on feeling better about myself and being able to spend time with myself without feeling like crap
  12. Decided to stop the binge eating and start eating healthy again.

It’s been a very long, relaxing, unproductive sort of weekend. The first one in ages, where I did absolutely nothing work related without any sort of guilt. I was planning to study for my ‘Death’ midterm later this week, but I didn’t. I couldn’t help moping in parts, but at least I didn’t degenerate to wanting to kill myself. Progress there.

Lull before the storm. Finals hit on the 11th. Oh Boy.

2:17 am

I watched ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ today. Right before I rewatched ‘Juno’. And earlier in the day I finished watching the second half of ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’ cuz I’d fallen asleep halfway through it last night. So I didn’t really get the point of Coffee and Cigs. Seemed sort’ve like all aesthetic and no substance. I mean it had the coolest cast- you stick Tom freaking Waits in there, he’ll make anything cool. I guess watching Waits and Iggy Pop trying to awkwardly one-up each other had its moments, but those moments mostly revolved around “OMG TOM WAITS” in my head, than anything else. The ‘Cousins?’ sketch was strong, I thought, but it didn’t really have anything else going for it. The boyfriend sort of half assedly recommended it to me, and I was a little annoyed that I didn’t like it, y’know, I really wanted to like it. But yeah. I mean I didn’t see the point at all. It seemed like the kind of movie everyone says they like because everyone says they like it.

‘Moonrise Kingdom’ on the other hand was fantastic. I love Wes Anderson. Every movie I’ve watched by him so far has made me happy. He has a great aesthetic going on, but thankfully that’s not all. And what I love about his movies are how warm they are, despite his heroines who don’t smile. My personal favourite of his films is ‘The Darjeeling Limited’, but I haven’t seen ‘Rushmore’ yet which S. says is absolutely fantastic, and he should know. I’ll watch it soon, I suppose. It’s one of those films that have been lying around on my hard drive forever because I’ve been reluctant to watch them out of this strange feeling that I won’t like them.

‘Juno’ is brilliant, obviously. This time it made me teary instead of providing the usual snarky chuckles. Maybe I’m just PMSing or whatever, but I guess I identify with that bit in the middle- I really need to know that it’s possible for two people to be happy together forever. I guess I just need to believe that true lasting love is possible. I’m only about to turn 21 but I feel like I’m growing up at breakneck speed, and people back home- my best friends at least- have found the person they’re going to stick with- and I don’t even know where I am on that front. It’s just scary to contemplate.

Distance is a bitch. Time is a bitch. Space is a bitch. Life’s a bitch. But it’d suck to be dead, so here we go.

I need to stop worrying about ten things at the same time, allatonce, all the time. Stomach is in knots permanently, and it doesn’t help, it’s just unsettling.

I have been composing the annual ‘end of year reflection’ note in my head when I take a shower. It’s been quite a year, this one. In the middle everything was going to shit, but now all’s well again, and looks like it’s going to stay that way till the end of this year at least. Or who knows these things, but que sera sera and all that. 

A Madness Past

Today I feel like pleasing you more than before
Today I know what I want to do but I don’t know what for
To be living for you is all I want to do
To be loving you it’ll all be there when my dreams come true
Today you’ll make me say that I somehow have changed
Today you’ll look into my eyes, I’m just not the same
To be anymore than all I am would be a lie
I’m so full of love I could burst apart and start to cry
Today everything you want, I swear it all will come true
Today I realize how much I’m in love with you
With you standing here I could tell the world what it means to love
To go on from here I can’t use words, they don’t say enought
Please, please listen to me
It’s taken so long to come true
And it’s all for you
all for you….
I love this song.

I went to a Dylan-Knopfler concert on the 14th. To say that it was brilliant, and life changing and surreal would be an understatement. I mean I have a poster of Dylan in my room that is more than half my size. But Knopfler was the real revelation for me. Details and pictures are on the music blog, which I have added as a new page here. 

I’ve been feeling intensely grateful for everything I have in my life, of late. I have decided to give up any resentment I had towards Canada, or at least add some gratefulness into the mix. If I had never come here, I would never have gotten the internship at Harvard which I’m going to be doing come Jan 2013, nor would I have seen Bob Dylan and Mark Knopfler in the flesh and been privileged enough to experience their fantastic music live. 

So, with all the sincerity that I can muster up, I finally thank you, Waterloo. Wholehearted thanks.  I am very, very grateful, and truly glad that I came, without reservation, without bitterness, without regret, for the very first time in my life.

This looks like a healthy trend. I’m sort of loving 2012, but I’m starting to get kinda paranoid that I have a ginormous ‘Kick me’ sign taped to my  back and the cosmic kick will happen very soon. 

Insert epiphany here

Sometimes the person it is the hardest to love, is yourself. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I was born with a strange cocktail of chemicals in my brain that gives me a predisposition towards self loathing. Who knows? The point is that I have finally, finally come to realize that loving yourself or self love and all that jazz isn’t really some pissy bullshit that women’s magazines talk about, and people with too much time on their hands think about. It’s something that is absolutely necessary and essential. I’m beginning to realize exactly how much the way I feel about myself and my own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth colour my interactions with other people, the way I react to situations and my relationships- essentially my whole life. So, this really is more a matter of utmost urgency, and less a matter to be brought up on a rainy day when I’m bored. Has this insecurity, and relentless hungering for more,better,best spurred me on to achieve things and led me to the accomplishments I’ve stacked up? Maybe. Probably, even. But I think I’ve reached the point in my life today, where I have a healthy desire to succeed anyway, and this whole inadequacy thing is becoming more of a real problem than a motivation.

So yeah- I guess what I’m saying is, 2012 marks the time when I actively start to work on being okay with myself. No matter how many friends or people tell me that I’m great, I’m not going to really believe it on an intrinsic level because you just can’t rely on others for self-validation.

So, here goes. I have no idea how I’m actually going to get to point Z from point A/idon’tknowwhatthefucki’mdoing but it’s a process, right? Right.

Sometimes you don’t need anything or anyone else to be happy. Sometimes happiness has nothing to do with your future prospects, or the boy in your head, or those nights out you had. Sometimes happiness is just you walking home alone in the dark, with a warm apple cider in your hands and music in your ears at the end of an exhausting week. It’s the feeling that makes your heart skip for no reason at all as you step through piles of fall leaves, and feel the tip of your nose grow cold, as you breathe in the crisp cool air, and feel your cheeks get flushed. Sometimes happiness is just walking, tipping your head back to get the last few drops of your sweet sticky drink, and finding yourself looking up at a blue velvet sky full of stars. Sometimes happiness is deciding on a whim to walk around town and find that brilliant shawarma place you went to once, because you finally have time to waste, and because your legs want to keep moving.

Sometimes all you need to be happy is yourself. These times don’t come very often, but when they do, you think to yourself that this moment right here, is what I’ll remember about this term. You try to pin down content, but you don’t really, because contentment is when you feel like you’re floating high up there with the stars, like you’re enough.