Things I will still have

  1. My  two best friends who have become family, whom I can always lean on, and who will always think that I am worth the effort despite conflicts
  2. My parents, who don’t really have a choice in the matter
  3. My brother, who looks after me in his own way, and surprises me with his considerateness occasionally
  4. My gramps who are the most pure reservoir of unconditional love that I have been lucky enough to experience
  5. This amazing, amazing support system of women who make me so incredibly glad that I was born a woman
  6. My body which miraculously seems to get hotter with each passing day though I have long since given up my exercise routine (the trick I think, is to eat smaller portions and skip meals because you’re busy, too lazy to cook, or broke, and to run around a lot for work)
  7. My internship at <insertname> prestigious university that I’ve dreamed of since I was twelve
  8. My grade point average
  9. My sense of humour
  10. My writing, this blog
  11. Good people who may not be everything, but they are some things, and for this I’m grateful
  12. My legs which enable me to run, run, run far past demons giving chase and leave them all behind, if only for an hour or two
  13. My virginity (oh man.)
  14. My voice which has long since rusted, but which is not irretrievable
  15. My capacity to be vulnerable to another person (even if it will inevitably disappear for a while)
  16. My intelligence
  17. My capacity for warmth, and spontaneity, and love, and affection
  18. My love for a city- which will always be home, even if it is peppered with certain memories now
  19. Music, musicians that I will always love, new songs that I will discover and make my own
  20. An awesome future to look forward to, because I now know that I will make it there, no matter what
  21. Good old friends, whom I haven’t outgrown, who are like little doses of warmth
  22. The way coffee makes me feel- the first sip spreading warmth through my body like electricity
  23. Travelling the world, living in strange places, making stories- whether on my own or with other special people
  24. The hope of a happy future involving a child whom I will adopt and possibly call Mica or Zhia (ref: Wristcutters)
  25. My hair which I will always love and hate
  26. My dark brown eyes, which the optometry student from that one time told me have flecks of gold in them, which will someday look at someone else like they mean the world
  27. My love of good food, and the opportunity to eat it
  28. My desire to make a difference, however cliched it sounds, the capacity to improve human lives
  29. My ability to be a really good friend, to make people feel like they matter, and give them the support they need
  30. My love for good cinema, art- and the infinite amount of stuff I haven’t discovered yet
  31. My imagination, creativity
  32. Things I have not thought of yet, because this could go on a while and this is good news.

So, I went through a rough patch recently. A bunch of things combined  (school/work/relationship) pretty much did all they could to do my head in. Caring for someone else can be painful, and me being how I am (not the world’s most balanced person), it’s always all or nothing. This is for the future, to remind me if I need it, that with or without someone- no matter how special I think they are, and how badly I want them in my life- I don’t actually need them. I will still have a whole bunch of stuff that nothing can take away from me, and life will still be fucking awesome.

I know that I will need reminding. I also know that I will have people ready to remind me, people ready to pick up the pieces. But I’d like to do something nice for myself, since I’m starting to be okay with believing that I’m worth it.

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