Sometimes the person it is the hardest to love, is yourself. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I was born with a strange cocktail of chemicals in my brain that gives me a predisposition towards self loathing. Who knows? The point is that I have finally, finally come to realize that loving yourself or self love and all that jazz isn’t really some pissy bullshit that women’s magazines talk about, and people with too much time on their hands think about. It’s something that is absolutely necessary and essential. I’m beginning to realize exactly how much the way I feel about myself and my own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth colour my interactions with other people, the way I react to situations and my relationships- essentially my whole life. So, this really is more a matter of utmost urgency, and less a matter to be brought up on a rainy day when I’m bored. Has this insecurity, and relentless hungering for more,better,best spurred me on to achieve things and led me to the accomplishments I’ve stacked up? Maybe. Probably, even. But I think I’ve reached the point in my life today, where I have a healthy desire to succeed anyway, and this whole inadequacy thing is becoming more of a real problem than a motivation.
So yeah- I guess what I’m saying is, 2012 marks the time when I actively start to work on being okay with myself. No matter how many friends or people tell me that I’m great, I’m not going to really believe it on an intrinsic level because you just can’t rely on others for self-validation.
So, here goes. I have no idea how I’m actually going to get to point Z from point A/idon’tknowwhatthefucki’mdoing but it’s a process, right? Right.