i am falling in love with my boyfriend from about half a world away. it feels strange, and surprising, and this odd contented happiness is quite disconcerting. i sort of of want to slap myself.
Who’s to say what happiness is?
I could never have predicted (despite all the predictions I made)
that you would be so close.
That you would nestle – like the word last read in a half-read sentence-
deeply, firmly, lightly embedded.
I play with chopping blocks,
Bloody hearts may lie strewn across my spotless white bench.
It gives off the faintest smell of formaldehyde
(-makes me light headed sometimes,
but nothing to compare with – no matter, that’s sop.)
And who’s to say that happiness cannot be found
In the rustle, as pages brush their bodies against each other for a moment,
In the middle of a story-
About October telling stories,
As February-fussy, timid- sulks,
and April sucks her dainty fingers clear of innards,
while May takes her side.
And I, I dream at the back of my mind,
About a wondrous, terrifying August.
On an evening, where the skeletons of trees look in through my window,
as I sit inhaling the hot breath of my brown-slatted-heater.
Fingers stained with chocolate that arrived in the mail today
(near a month too late).
Bearing solemn, sincere advice on a background of blue,
it brought with it the hope of a new year.
I listen to a pink moon sing,
And curl up by my heap of warm, fresh, laundry.
Who would have known that we would come to know
each other, from half a world away.
Through tangles of invisible wires,
and calling plans that rob us blind.
Who’s to know that happiness lies here?
In fragile things.
With small disappointments and petty rejections that seem meaningless at the time. With every unreturned gesture and unreciprocated expression of love. With each time she decides that the answer you will give her is a no, and lets the question decay somewhere at the back of her mind. With every time you push her away a little bit further. With every time she hesitantly makes herself vulnerable, and you leave her cold, and feeling stupid. With each time you are callous enough to let her simmer in her difficult moods because it’s easier. With each time she meets someone she could be attracted to. With each passing day as she slowly stops thinking about the future, and comes to expect that there won’t be one. She has given you her puny little heart, and every day as she learns to brush things aside, say a little less, care a little less, this is how you lose her.
I cannot- I just can NOT.
1. To be good at anything, you have to put in the time and effort no matter how talented you are.
2. Your abilities and someone else’s abilities are not the same. Do the best that YOU can do.
3. If winning is your objective, realize that you have to work 10 times harder than the next best person.
4. No matter how hard you work and how prepared you are, disappointments will happen.
5. The most gratifying experiences usually come as a result of enduring the most painful trials.
6. To be great at anything, you have to risk failing terribly at it.
7. A lot of people endure the same pains that you do.
8. If you focus on putting one foot in front of the other, you will eventually reach the finish line.
9. You cannot reach the finish line unless you start.
10. The mind is…
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T: well long distance is one thing that’s working for you
R: haha how on earth is it working?
T: you can choose how much you want to keep in touch. it’s all in your hands really. if you actually wanted to, you could go incognito
R: maane? just drop out of his life without a word?
T: err mane just cut him off. i’m not saying it’s an option but that’s the thing with long distance. you’re not prompted by phsyical proximity anymore.
R: yeah. i think that’s too mean. but. it is an option.
i don’t know. i think i just realized how much of my mental space he eats up and how much i DON’T want that. it’s not his fault. it’s mine. and its because i’m intense and obsessive. but i really can’t afford to lose my focus now and i really have. so i need to get shit together and consciously think about him less, just spend less energy on him
T: well said. if i was there i’d pat your head 😛
T: i think the fact that you’re thinking this way means you’re seeing the larger picture
R: haan. i think its about time. i’ve been so scared of the future, i think i’ve been clinging to N as one good sorted thing in my life. but you know. here’s the thing. a guy can;t make you magically happy. even if he’s the right guy.
and ignoring my problems and just all the SHIT i have to figure out with gradschool and the future and whatnot won’t go away by focusing on N.
R: so. i’m not doing that anymore. i mean i just realized that i *was* doing that.
T: i’m glad. you have to balance the head and the heart
T: and being abroad and on your own, you need to do that even more
In other news: I ate escargot! It was too drenched in olive oil, and butter, and cheese for me to really make out anything of the flavour than it was rubbery and reminded me of mussels. Also, I have realized that I hate steak and I’m never going to put myself through eating it again. In even more news, I’m on the lookout for housing again. If anyone lives in Boston/Cambridge and is reading this right now, Heeeeelp. I do the dishes, and take care of floods, and cook once in a while. I’m generous, and make a mean chicken noodle soup. I’m also cute (no, really) and love babies, and animals, but don’t own a pet. I’m smart and a great listener and am willing to amuse you with music or horrific anecdotes and witty pop culture references, if that’s your kind’ve thing. Haaaalp.