Sometimes you don’t need anything or anyone else to be happy. Sometimes happiness has nothing to do with your future prospects, or the boy in your head, or those nights out you had. Sometimes happiness is just you walking home alone in the dark, with a warm apple cider in your hands and music in your ears at the end of an exhausting week. It’s the feeling that makes your heart skip for no reason at all as you step through piles of fall leaves, and feel the tip of your nose grow cold, as you breathe in the crisp cool air, and feel your cheeks get flushed. Sometimes happiness is just walking, tipping your head back to get the last few drops of your sweet sticky drink, and finding yourself looking up at a blue velvet sky full of stars. Sometimes happiness is deciding on a whim to walk around town and find that brilliant shawarma place you went to once, because you finally have time to waste, and because your legs want to keep moving.

Sometimes all you need to be happy is yourself. These times don’t come very often, but when they do, you think to yourself that this moment right here, is what I’ll remember about this term. You try to pin down content, but you don’t really, because contentment is when you feel like you’re floating high up there with the stars, like you’re enough. 



Music Blog

So there is a new blog that the boyfriend and I created as a lark last week. We live as far away from each other as it is humanly possible for two people to live. There are a few continents and about two oceans separating us, so we decided to share a music blog. It’s one of those things about which we have a lot to say.

Feel free to peruse and look through (and follow), if that’s your kinda thing.

Also, Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving, everyone. All the people I love live very far away, and the house is going to be pretty empty this weekend with everyone going home to their families. I’m going to be busy studying for a Zoology midterm coming up on Tuesday. Not the ideal thanksgiving, but it’ll do. And I’m going out to the Fox and the Fiddle with my room-mate tonight. Have been wanting to visit the bar for quite a while now, which may be due to the name. Maybe it’ll turn out to be one of those things in Waterloo that I actually like.

An epiphany I have had recently is, more urgently than ever, balance is KEY.

I’m going to c…

I’m going to cook today, yes I am. Came home laden with groceries and there was a no-tax-day at Zehr’s. Oh joy, oh serendipity, oh blasted, blasted Canada. Department stores depress me (I’m looking at you Walmart, Zellers, Lulu fucking Hypermarket). Lots of things depress me. The majority of people depress me, or it’s just meh indifference. Nothing depresses the boyfriend at all. He is strange that way. What is there to be depressed about, he asks. And I don’t have an answer. If you put it that way, what indeed. Instead I retreat and feel stupid and a little melodramatic. It’s the chemicals in my brain, I say. And there are so many things in the world that are terrifically hideous, it’s almost not worth it to wake up in the morning- as Anushka says sometimes, when she gets into these states. “But the world is pretty”, he says. And so it is, and maybe he’s right.

A woman gave me her transfer today as I was waiting at the bus stop, weighed down with about four bulging bags of groceries. Maybe it was my face, or maybe it was the day, or maybe she was really nice. I didn’t need it though- I have my Watcard. But it saved me taking it out. A girl I used to know in first year apparently used to talk about me all the time, according to her best friend whom I met in class the other day. I was surprised- but in a slow oh-really way. In fact, “Oh really?”, is how I responded, arching my eyebrows. I don’t see why she’d talk about me. We weren’t close, I didn’t even really know her. There was this one thing with her boyfriend and a text, but it’s all foolishness, and he wasn’t even cute, and I didn’t even care- and. It just goes to show, most of the things we obsess about and worry over and spend all our energy on are in our heads. NOBODY FUCKING CARES, PEOPLE. THEY’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU. They’re thinking about themselves. Like me.

I’m waiting for the kheema to thaw, then I’ll cook it. I’m trying to have a productive day today, let’s see how it goes. The boyfriend is too casual for my good. He says ” I love you”, “I miss you”, like he’s telling me 10+10=20. On being told this, he says, “Well, it’s that self evident.” Is it really? To me it’s not. I can’t make him understand that 90% of the time I feel unloved, unwanted, ungood. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I’ll get more chilled out, and start thinking that I am awesome, of course he’s mad about me, he’d be crazy really, not to be. But things need to be said sometimes.

I went out runn…

I went out running today. Came back home from Zoology lab pretty tired, and thinking about the ever present to-do list that looms over my head. I stepped out of the bus, and suddenly it was just this beautiful weather. Canada’s been pretty grumpy and cold lately, like a cantankerous old man. Today was what you’d expect fall to be. I willed myself to walk home and in the two minutes it took me to walk from the bus stop to my building, I suddenly decided, fuck it. Fuck the work. It’ll be there for a bit now. I need to sleep early, and I need to go over things for the umpteenth time and meet a deadline, but the gorgeous weather. It was just calling out to my feet, and the song on my old purple mp3 matched the feeling in my feet, and it had been ages since they’d done any running. I climbed up the stairs, dropped my stuff, shed my jacket, grabbed my keys, and ran out. I ran for something like 45 minutes. Blissful blanking out. Went into territory I hadn’t seen before. There’s a Sugarbush Park around Weber Street. There are red, red leaves on the way. Reminded me a little of Guelph. The stray annoyances from my day wandered into my head, but for the most part my footsteps chased them away.

I came home panting, red faced, with aching legs, and happy.

My feet are col…

My feet are cold. My toes are perpetually cold these days 😦 It’s the middle of September, people. It’s still supposed to be shorts-weather! Outrage. Just utter and total outrage. The Great White North could not give any less of a shit about our collective outrage if it tried.