I do not know what lies ahead, but this is getting me nowhere. I refuse to whimper any longer, I refuse to let the energy drain out of me slowly drip-drip-drip. getting bogged down is doing me no favours, nor is it helping resolve the situation. Here’s what I plan to do instead:

– move house to Cambridge. move in with strangers i’ve never met before. change of scene is welcome, and much needed. i cannot deal with even the slightest bit of negativity any longer.

– immerse myself in work and fully understand as much literature is out there on mesenchymal stem cells.

– do kickass work at the lab, starting with the presentation and make headway with proving that i do belong there, and garnering respect.

– work out. you know what’s less lame than just being sad? someone really, really hot being sad. if i’m going to be sad, i propose to have a fantastic ass while i’m at it.

– dress nice. take care of myself. moisturize, line, medicate, brush- the works.

-take every chance i can to explore boston-cambridge. chill at the cafes, visit the galleries.

– talk to people. be open and warm. make connections. avoid withdrawing.

– read. read read read read read.

– write and express myself

– call home and avoid taking out frustration on the family.

– let my friends be there for me.

– find the reservoir of calm within myself.

– scour tattoo shops and come up with the perfect design.

– find a permanent place to live at while i’m in boston.

– stop waiting. stop virtual-stalking. stop putting life on hold.

– blank out the blues. keep busy and productive. if things come to a head, let them. accept that i’ve done all i could have humanly done. stay friends if it doesn’t mean waiting, but comfort or support instead. stop reaching out in futile hope.

– keep the faith. life has many adventures ahead, and many surprises more to throw my way. last year this time could have been tagged with ‘little did i know’. well, that will happen again. keep faith in the ‘little did i know’.


Annual end of year reflection-2012

1What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
2012’s been a helluva year for new things. I’ll try to list as many as I can remember.
-had someone i knew very well die an untimely, unnatural death
– smoked up
-drunken mistake number 1,2,3,4,50
-learned how to grind (yesreally)
-went on a pubcrawl
-been kissed multiple times by multiple women
-been in the middle of a terrible split, come out of it relatively unscathed
-bagged an internship at harvard; come jan, i will be moving to boston and the states for the very first time
– lost all faith and confidence in myself and completely broken down
– stayed over at a proper sleepover party (thankyou sambit and rupsha!)
– made the first move(ish)
– bust casting- got top half naked with a bunch of unknown women, sat in a circle and cooperatively made casts of our breasts
– read asimov, watched Monty Python, listened to tom waits- yes these are significant enough to be listed here
– gotten into the blues (thankyou neelu)
– made a lot of new friends with much confidence, without swallowing my tongue or letting my usual- well previous awkwardness rob me of my ability to speak
– explored cal on foot, thoroughly
– behaved like a completely irrational sap, bid goodbye to my ego
– written exams without driving myself into blind panic about them
– cooked, started cooking properly- i made soup guys! chicken noodle soup from scratch!
– lost a whole ton of weight, gone on a proper running routine, done that whole thing where you wake up at 5:30 am to go for a morning run before you start your day
– gone on a proper diet for like 2 months- it worked too; then i became happy and lazy
– wanted to do things i hadn’t wanted to before, and liked em
–  visited sodpur (lol?)
– gotten my first vacation in three years (existential fear factor, yes)
– long distance
– worked at an ngo with the children of sex-workers
– gotten into a scuffle with er..metro police?
– been awarded a scholarship
-gotten three job offers- one at a major toronto hospital, two at harvard (yes i’m gloating)
– watched Dylan and Knopfler live. I can’t say enough about this so I won’t say anything at all.
– had a lot of epiphanies
– started the process of coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a terrible person. self-love, self-love, self-love.
– torn a ligament, passed out, called 911, been taken to emergency in an ambulance
– got stung by a wasp
-started a secretblog, and a shared musicblog
-started liking beer
-did a photoshoot
2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well, I did lose weight (and then gained most of it back), and eat healthy and cook lots (and then start eating trash again), and become focused on my academics. So I guess sort’ve? My new resolution is to stick to my resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yeah. Not emotionally I guess, but physically? And mentally.
5. What countries did you visit?
Canada, India. Same as last year.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Published papers, a significant involvement in research I love, a 4.2. More: kindness,  balance, travelling, concerts, writing, self-love.
Wishful thinking: My voice back, my boyfriend in the same place. This was the 2012 list:
Inner peace. Better grades. Significant involvement in a cause I’m committed to, an extracurricular I love. The right significant other? Better hair. More compassion and thoughtfulness. Patience. Better time management. A fitter and healthier body. The ability to see a good story through the initial few chapters to the very end. The start of a long term research involvement. The opposite of my usual inertia and ennui. Confidence.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
– Feb 14th- the night R.B died and I balanced a stupid plate of dal on my hand
– April 23rd- the night I landed in Calcutta, seeing Trisha, Adi, and Piu at the airport and finally believing that I was back home
– July 17th- cuz N finally reached the end of his rational thought process
– August 7th- cuz it was a new birthday to put on the list of donotforget. And it was a nice time
– Sep 11th- cuz I dreaded it for so long, and then it came and I left
– November 14th- because I watched Dylan and Knopfler live and it was indescribable
– October 26th- cuz rankings came out and I went out with a bang, just like I wanted
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
– Doing major amounts of growing up
– Surviving Winter term long enough to drag my arse home where thankfully summer happened
– Bagging three job offers
– Getting on Dean’s Honour Roll, and excellent standing
– Keeping my promise to myself to write all of my exams this term
– Somehow managing not to screw up hobo and crazy thus far
– Not indulging in self sabotage long enough to let myself fall in love
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh. I got so distracted and happy that I failed my non-credit PD course. And forgot to contact that prof for research. Ohwell.
Losing my temper too often at my family. Falling off course with the diet and eating healthy and running.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I tore a ligament right before finals week. And I got a nasty bout of flu during reading week. And I got stung by a wasp.
11. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine for going after the things I wanted and getting allofem =D
Squg for being dignified and a lady in a very old world sense of the term. For being a bundle of goodness and joy.
Neelu for dealing with all my crazy.
Piu for unconditional support, and for finding her way and getting her act together. Trisha for being the fiercely loyal and kickass person she is.
Emily for being the wonderful generous person she is.
12. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Er. I don’t want to say.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out =( I gave Burger King, Mozy’s and Tim Horton’s LOTS of steady business.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going home for the summer. Neelu. The job I got offered at Princess Margaret. Harvard and Boston. Sambit’s farewell. New Light. The Dylan-Knopfler concert.
15. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Sweet thing- The Waterboys/Van Morrison. So far away, What it is- Knopfler. Bird on a wire- Bonamassa’s cover of Cohen. So long Marianne- Cohen. Gun street girl, Hold on- Waits.  Waits in general. I want you, You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go, All along the watchtower, Like a rolling stone- Dylan. Womaniya, Moora. Sittin’ on top of the world. Heroin- VU. Pine moon- Feist. Bloom- The Paper Kites. I saw her standing there, Someday(heh)- the Beatles. Wagon wheel- Old Crow Medicine Show. Drift away- Dobie gray. Lover you should’ve come over- Buckley.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?’
Last year this time I was in Toronto, it was a very nice time, and I was quite happy. This year I’m alone in ghost town for the next two weeks. Overall however, 2012 has been unbelievable, in terms of the incredible things it has brought me. So happier, I guess. And very, very grateful.
17. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spending more time with the grandparents, brother. Reading. Making out. Running. Cooking.
18. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk, brooding over things, procrastinating, taking out my temper on my fam cuz it was easy
19. How will you be spending Christmas?
I will try to find a church to haunt. I will bring back spiced eggnog and a shawarma. I will watch a movie and read Lord of the Rings and go to bed.
20. Did you fall in love in 2012?
H, L and S.
21. How many one night stands?
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
I don’t watch TV. Gilmore Girls, I guess. And Criminal Minds.
23. What was the best book you read?
Good Omens, I think. It was a lifesaver on the plane back. I just started LOTR so anticipation. Kafka on the Shore. The Great Indian Novel.  Animal Farm.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man. 2012’s been a brilliant year as far as musical discoveries are concerned. A large part of this has to do with Neelu. All the blues stuff. Right now I’m really loving John Hammond and JJ Cale. In general, my absolute new favourite is Tom Waits. Listened to a lot of Cohen and Dylan for extensive periods of time. Knopfler in a big way, and Knopfler himself is responsible for this 😀
The Velvet Underground whom I absolutely loved. I listened to lots of the Beatles as usual. Tallest Man on Earth. Jefferson Airplane. Bonamassa. The Grateful Dead, whom I still have to listen to a lot more of. Jeff Buckley!
25. What did you want and get?
A good GPA and job offers and Harvard.
26. What did you want and not get?
Nothing. I got everything I wanted.
27. What was your favourite film of this year?
In theatre? Gangs of Wasseypur.
I fell in love with Woody Allen, Annie Hall in particular- those lobsters kill me. Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It’s coming up on the 30th. I’m alone in ghost town right now. I’ll wake up, talk to people, eat something, read something, watch something. Might go to Symposium and buy myself cake. Byas.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. I got everything I wanted, and more. Well, being able to go home for the winter would have been nice, but that’s just greediness. And having N closer would’ve been great, but that’s more greediness.
30. What kept you sane?
Ma, Trisha, Piu, Tony, Anushka, Upi, Shalmi, Neelu, Emily.
31. Who was the worst new person you met?
Stupid new bitch roommate.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Upasana whom I’d technically met before but I really got to know her this year. Sattam. Amrusha. Pratiti. Shibansu. Tanuka (whom I technically haven’t met yet). Neelu.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learnt in 2012.
Only worry about one thing at a time. Take life one moment at a time.
If you want something, go after it. Stop being passive. Go out and grab what you want.
All that self-love bullshit isn’t bullshit.
Making soup is easy.
I have an infinite capacity to surprise myself.
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Hey, it’s me, I’m dynamite
And I don’t know why

Things I will still have

  1. My  two best friends who have become family, whom I can always lean on, and who will always think that I am worth the effort despite conflicts
  2. My parents, who don’t really have a choice in the matter
  3. My brother, who looks after me in his own way, and surprises me with his considerateness occasionally
  4. My gramps who are the most pure reservoir of unconditional love that I have been lucky enough to experience
  5. This amazing, amazing support system of women who make me so incredibly glad that I was born a woman
  6. My body which miraculously seems to get hotter with each passing day though I have long since given up my exercise routine (the trick I think, is to eat smaller portions and skip meals because you’re busy, too lazy to cook, or broke, and to run around a lot for work)
  7. My internship at <insertname> prestigious university that I’ve dreamed of since I was twelve
  8. My grade point average
  9. My sense of humour
  10. My writing, this blog
  11. Good people who may not be everything, but they are some things, and for this I’m grateful
  12. My legs which enable me to run, run, run far past demons giving chase and leave them all behind, if only for an hour or two
  13. My virginity (oh man.)
  14. My voice which has long since rusted, but which is not irretrievable
  15. My capacity to be vulnerable to another person (even if it will inevitably disappear for a while)
  16. My intelligence
  17. My capacity for warmth, and spontaneity, and love, and affection
  18. My love for a city- which will always be home, even if it is peppered with certain memories now
  19. Music, musicians that I will always love, new songs that I will discover and make my own
  20. An awesome future to look forward to, because I now know that I will make it there, no matter what
  21. Good old friends, whom I haven’t outgrown, who are like little doses of warmth
  22. The way coffee makes me feel- the first sip spreading warmth through my body like electricity
  23. Travelling the world, living in strange places, making stories- whether on my own or with other special people
  24. The hope of a happy future involving a child whom I will adopt and possibly call Mica or Zhia (ref: Wristcutters)
  25. My hair which I will always love and hate
  26. My dark brown eyes, which the optometry student from that one time told me have flecks of gold in them, which will someday look at someone else like they mean the world
  27. My love of good food, and the opportunity to eat it
  28. My desire to make a difference, however cliched it sounds, the capacity to improve human lives
  29. My ability to be a really good friend, to make people feel like they matter, and give them the support they need
  30. My love for good cinema, art- and the infinite amount of stuff I haven’t discovered yet
  31. My imagination, creativity
  32. Things I have not thought of yet, because this could go on a while and this is good news.

So, I went through a rough patch recently. A bunch of things combined  (school/work/relationship) pretty much did all they could to do my head in. Caring for someone else can be painful, and me being how I am (not the world’s most balanced person), it’s always all or nothing. This is for the future, to remind me if I need it, that with or without someone- no matter how special I think they are, and how badly I want them in my life- I don’t actually need them. I will still have a whole bunch of stuff that nothing can take away from me, and life will still be fucking awesome.

I know that I will need reminding. I also know that I will have people ready to remind me, people ready to pick up the pieces. But I’d like to do something nice for myself, since I’m starting to be okay with believing that I’m worth it.

Things I will do

  • i will get a job
  • i will stop wondering if you really do love me, and if i’m completely wasting my time, and letting my anxieties and insecurities invade everything and eat up my brains and give me ulcers.
  • i will file my own taxes
  • i will apply for scholarships
  • i will cook things and eat them, and not have to grimace and force them down
  • i will apply to lots of places, everywhere, and get it this coming season
  • i will be happy
  • i will call the gramps more often
  • i will be more civil, more kind to my family
  • i will learn kickboxing
  • i will meditate
  • i will not procrastinate. i will do what i need to, when i should.
  • i will stop feeling so goddamn isolated and lonely, and propagating it (willfully that too)
  • i will find 3 good things about myself and cultivate them
  • i will be a good friend
  • i will be a good sister
  • i will be a good daughter, grand daughter
  • i will give my creativity room to breathe, and indulge in productive expression
  • i will start taking pictures and chronicling the beauty i find even here
  • i will practice gratefulness for having the life that i do, everyday
  • i will give all the exams i’m supposed to this semester without having a nervous breakdown
  • i will be organized and actually use my planner
  • i will bake myself a birthday cake
  • i will sleep a healthy amount
  • i will read 10 more books by the end of this year
  • i will answer emails on time
  • i will stop putting things off from lethargy (then proceed to feel like shit about myself because i’m not doing anything because i put it off because i was lethargic because i feel like shit about myself because..)
  • i will stop dropping friends like they’re hot whenever it strikes my fancy
  • i will get my voice back
  • i will contribute something positive to society
  • i will feel good about the way i look, not through delusion, but by conscious effort and acceptance
  • i will stop whining and start fixing things
  • i will print out pictures of all the new us’s and put them up
  • i will sort through my clothes and declutter
  • i will make use of the blue wool
  • i will figure out a way to find my calm without frantically calling up whomever i happen to be feeling manically close to atm

List blogs are …

List blogs are the most useless kind of blogs. This is turning into a list blog.

Today I:

  1. Woke up and moaned and lay about in bed for a bit with cramps
  2. Decided that it wasn’t the most effective coping mechanism, cursed my period and dragged myself out of bed to go brush teeth and eat fresh fruit and a fried egg
  3. Rolled around in bed and finished reading Uncle Dynamite. I wish I had an Uncle Fred.
  4. Texted the boyfriend saying that I had found a brilliant substitution for ‘fuck’. It is ‘dickens’ 😀 Sample: What the dickens? The dickens? How the dickens? Only ‘ the dickens-ing ‘ sounds a bit clunky but ohwell. One step closer to being a real lady, one without a pottymouth.
  5. Decided that I will BE PRODUCTIVE.

Today I plan to:

  1. Commence my first actual day of work with an NGO, where I will go spend time with the children of prostitutes in Calcutta’s oldest red light district, Kalighat.
  2. Kiss my boyfriend.
  3. Make headway on my work term report which has been plaguing me like a bad case of the measles.
  4. Sign up for my fifth class
  5. Explore employment opportunities for the fall term in gray Waterloo
  6. Meet the gramps.
  7. Return home early enough to avoid the wrath of the parentals
  8. Make progress with reading one of the many books I have borrowed and decorated my windowsill with
  9. Meet best friend number 2.

Update: While I evidently avoided being terribly productive, I also:

  1. Brought the boyfriend home. He met the entire clan
  2. Started reading The Invention of Morel
  3. Managed to traumatize my phone to such an extent that it stopped sending outgoing messages in the middle of a conversation about the exact location of the urethra

so much letharg…

so much lethargy, i’ve fallen into a state of perpetual uselessness. hedonism still, but a lazy long sort of hedonism. i want to shake myself out of this. Again. major episode. four months flew by and along the way i lost a few pounds, gained a boyfriend, lost motivation and gained a propensity for smoke and spirits. so many new experiences, so many drifters, so much food. through this cocoon, that i’ve wrapped myself in, i dully realize that i’m fucking things up.

pinterest has taken over my life. yes, i realize exactly how lame that sounds. days of my life are draining away into nothing.

i have 30 days to go. i want to

  • volunteer
  • get back into my workout groove
  • learn a few basic yoga routines
  • learn a few simple dishes
  • read all the books i’ve been stockpiling
  • keep spending time with the fam and the gramps
  • stock up on my wardrobe for the next year
  • enroll for  the last class and brush up on official documents
  • get a part time position with a prof
  • get pumped up for the fall
  • submit my work report and get my work evaluation
  • possibly lose the blank.
  • gain a more toned stomach