The upside of rejection

So I asked a guy out for the first time ever last night, and he politely said that he wasn’t into it. While my tequila and beer addled brain handled it somewhat well, I woke up in the morning and felt quite annoyed about no longer having the potential of a hook up. However, there are certain upsides. So, A LIST!

  • People want to eat ice cream with you
  • You get ALL the hugs
  • People want to take you out for tea (including driving you there)
  • People want to take you out for consolation-drinks
  • People give you kudos for having the ballovaries to ask the (wo)man out. 
  • You can cross it off your list
  • You get sudden bursts of ‘Hah! I’ll show him!’, and feel like working out and getting back into shape all of a sudden
  • Permission to watch romantic comedies 
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Things to look forward to/ things to keep me going

  1. Getting my drank on with L at pubcrawl on late-night Friday
  2. Getting my nose pierced next week
  3. Guilt-free sleep for a good seven hours this weekend
  4. Acquiring a new programming skill- MATLAB
  5. Butternut squash soup and pumpkin pie coming soon to the Atrium
  6. Abnormal psychology classes
  7. Listening to the Dylan CD Tanuka gave me
  8. Reading the C.S Lewis collection James gave me
  9. Watching ‘Sanyasi Raja’ that Ma gave me about a year ago
  10. Reading the European Folktales book that Shalmi gave me
  11. Winter break in Dubai
  12. Getting my second tattoo after graduation
  13. The beautiful walk to campus every morning in the fall
  14. Catching up on all the coursework I have a backlog on and actually understanding class
  15. Hair growing past my shoulders again
  16. Yoga or kickboxing classes
  17. Going running
  18. Eating healthy home-cooked food and getting into the routine of not eating out

Half Baked

I am a dust mote floating,
caught on a single ray of sunlight
that is your eyes,
and your laugh,
and your touch,
burning into my skin.

Look, goodbyes are all I know. They mean that there are more adventures to come. With me, it’s always time to go. But, well…I knew right away that there was something different this time around. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Around you, my guilt seems to melt away, and time feels like an alien concept.
“Are you ever happy?”
Everyone has times when they know that they’re happy for the most part, but moments of pure, crystallized happiness are another matter altogether.
“I can pinpoint certain moments in my life when I’ve had this pure burst of happiness. It’s like- hang on, let me say this right… it’s like… I was floating, suspended- a dust mote lit up by the sun. If i could explain the fierce blaze of happiness I felt with my entire being- that’s what it was like. Like being tiny, tiny, tiny but so large that the happiness consumes you. In a good way. It wasn’t like being overwhelmed by a flood- it’s like floating, suspended, with a mind wiped clean- no, not like being high- like… I don’t know. I was never much good with words. You know what I mean.”
I was really, really happy that time in the fourth grade when Mrs. Gomes, my favourite teacher said that I was an asset to her class. I looked up the word ‘asset’ in the big green and black Oxford Dictionary we had at home, and I felt like I had something to be proud of.
When else? When we, my brother and I, were at the backseat of the family car, tired out playing Antakshari and finger chess. We’d fallen quiet and our parents were talking, laughing about grown-up things that did not include us. Not fighting. Never have I felt so happy to be excluded.
Watching cartoon after cartoon on Fox-kids, watching Spiderman with Ma and Bhai in the master bedroom made me really happy.
When else? Laughing till my skinny ten year old sides ached, my head on a kolbaalish as my Grandpa read ‘Haw-jo-baw-ro-law’ to me. The story about the crow(?) that I’ve now forgotten.
An evening on a deserted college campus, after the rain, with a cool breeze, and a few errant souls and old music playing on their phones. I wrap my arms around a lanky frame, and push my chin into the small of a back. Close is not close enough, I realize. All the time is not time enough. Kissing is not kissing enough. Too much all at once. I am startled, and taken aback by my discovery, but fiercely, fiercely happy.
Another sort of happiness- lying on a too-thin mattress with an eye peeping at me from behind skin, blurred, Neruda streaming into reality.
Almost every time I’ve danced un-selfconsciously, I’ve been very happy. Almost every time I’ve allowed myself to get caught in the rain, I’ve been happy.
Reading really, really good books, realizing that I was beginning to love them, I’ve been happy. Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind, curled up on a couch at a cafe, with crumbs from finished butter-tarts littering my clothes.
“Listen, you probably don’t remember this. The first time I came over to your new place, when you lived by the cows-”
“I did not live by cows!’, you interject.
“Uff, you did. Yes, you did! We passed them everyday on our way to your place. Before the auto and before Papon De, but after that advertisement in Bangla we couldn’t read”
“Yes, but that was a good 3 minute walk away- that is not the same as living by cows”.
“Okay, okay fine. That house, anyway.”
“Yes, yes, carry on”.
“We were supposed to go exploring. North Calcutta, and old houses touching elbows, and sweet-shops. But it started to rain buckets, so I came over instead. We had the place to ourselves because Lahiri- bless his soul-was in Sodepur. And we wanted to watch a movie about a talking lizard. Johnny Depp was a talking lizard, and I really liked Johnny Depp so we were going to watch that movie. But then you slid over to me and wrapped a long arm around my tiny waist. You bent down and put your face next to mine, and breathed into my ear. “Koto din tokey dekhini”, you said with feeling. It had only been three days. “Far too long”, you answered, and that was that.
Something deep inside me was singing then. Happy-happy-happy, it went, and I knew how happy I was. Who knows what strange twist of fate, or chance brings people into our lives, but how unutterably lucky, lucky, lucky when someone you could really love comes along and rubs their eyes, disbelieving, at the dumb luck of it, too.

Kissing you goodbye was not the hardest part because it did not feel real. Wanting so badly to reach out and feel your bony shoulders and bury my face in your neck- wanting to do that and not being able to- that was hard. It took me nine months to shed tears over the distance, but I did.
Dilli door nahi.

Watch out, the world’s behind you

It’s the strangest thing. I was going to write about separating the essential from the inessential. And disconnecting. Then I read something which made me rethink and shape my ideas with more honesty and clarity.

What I have been doing:

Separating the essential from the inessential.

Since the beginning of this year, I have turned (mostly) vegetarian, developed an easy camaraderie with people at work, stepped out of my comfort zone, and entertained the possibility that I’m alright.

What I have realized: I turn older, I run out of patience. I have no patience with people who are inconsistent, and who take more than they will ever give. I really love few people, and I love them fiercely. My time is limited, but I will give it without reservation to them. The rest I have no time for. I am not one for social niceties. I thought I was, but I’m not, and I’m strangely happy with this decision. I will not waste my time with people I don’t really want to any longer. It is my time after all.

I am a possessive little brat. Who tries very hard to be pretend to be a grownup. I’m not really sure what to do about this, but I do know that I need reciprocity when it comes to being essential. To be really free is to remove oneself from the need for anything, or anyone save the few biological requirements. You are then the sole master of your heart, your moods, your life. I do not want this freedom. Another kind of freedom lies in trusting someone else with the capacity to hurt you. In making someone an essential when they do not have to be. This is the one I instinctively choose, and prefer for myself, after having given it some thought.

Which brings me to: Sometimes taking a step back is necessary. A slight shift of the frame brings back the perspective that was hard-won and then discarded- slowly, and then all at once.  I have realized that you do not really need anyone. Not really, you don’t. Allowing yourself to is terrifying, but it also brings with itself the second kind of freedom, that can make life immeasurably richer if you let it.

I have realized that I do not want to be a doctor. And that I want to teach and get my hands dirty with the children. That I am not a cynic, and I never want to be. That it s important to differentiate between what you really want and what you think you should want.

I have realized that I have a choice now between viewing my life as a straight trajectory of what I could do, and what would suit my career best, or letting it become slightly unpredictable and geared towards experiences I would like to have. Not having a straight career path is borderline terrifying, and such a choice would be something that I would admire in someone else. Using myself as an experiment, is both something I long to do, and something I’m incredibly nervous about.

I’m a clingy monkey, lazy and irresponsible. I want to be the opposite.

The old motto of the lab I’m at used to be “Do something”. I think I shall try very hard to adopt it as my own. Do something.

I partied away the last two days, and felt really old. Today I woke up without a hangover to a phone call from the mater, and listening to my thamma’s quavery voice over the phone. She is not amused with the vegetarianism. I skyped with Upi and had a brief glimpse of Mishtu and shared virtual hugs with Shalmus. I also devoured the majority of a pumpkin pie.

What I want to do moving forward:

gain some perspective. take a step back.

get the ball rolling on life after undergrad

take greater care of my hair and my body (time to read that damn yellow book again). i’m thinking it’s time to get a haircut that always brings a change.

unpack my life, and set up house properly.

stop feeling obligated to do things and meet people and spend my time on things because it seems like I should.

be productive and a step ahead at work. do something.

PlanovAction

I do not know what lies ahead, but this is getting me nowhere. I refuse to whimper any longer, I refuse to let the energy drain out of me slowly drip-drip-drip. getting bogged down is doing me no favours, nor is it helping resolve the situation. Here’s what I plan to do instead:

– move house to Cambridge. move in with strangers i’ve never met before. change of scene is welcome, and much needed. i cannot deal with even the slightest bit of negativity any longer.

– immerse myself in work and fully understand as much literature is out there on mesenchymal stem cells.

– do kickass work at the lab, starting with the presentation and make headway with proving that i do belong there, and garnering respect.

– work out. you know what’s less lame than just being sad? someone really, really hot being sad. if i’m going to be sad, i propose to have a fantastic ass while i’m at it.

– dress nice. take care of myself. moisturize, line, medicate, brush- the works.

-take every chance i can to explore boston-cambridge. chill at the cafes, visit the galleries.

– talk to people. be open and warm. make connections. avoid withdrawing.

– read. read read read read read.

– write and express myself

– call home and avoid taking out frustration on the family.

– let my friends be there for me.

– find the reservoir of calm within myself.

– scour tattoo shops and come up with the perfect design.

– find a permanent place to live at while i’m in boston.

– stop waiting. stop virtual-stalking. stop putting life on hold.

– blank out the blues. keep busy and productive. if things come to a head, let them. accept that i’ve done all i could have humanly done. stay friends if it doesn’t mean waiting, but comfort or support instead. stop reaching out in futile hope.

– keep the faith. life has many adventures ahead, and many surprises more to throw my way. last year this time could have been tagged with ‘little did i know’. well, that will happen again. keep faith in the ‘little did i know’.

You’ve got the love

1. Invincible Summer. Vines. Morning slow dawning eureka moment.

2. Productive bus ride reading paper.

3. Discover old messages. Find unexpected peace, and subconscious calm acceptance. Let go of bitterness and regret.

4. Intelligent discussion with intimidatingly smart people. Fail to reject competence.

5. Visit MIT with colleague. Bond over rants and dreams.

6. Eat Turkish chocolate.

7. Decide to leave work early. TGIF!

8 Say goodbye, promise to let people know about party over the weekend.

9. Carry hand drawn map by coworker and find indie cafe on street corner.

10. Settle down with cappuccino and research paper and alternately read and eavesdrop on conversations. Initiation ritual to life in Boston.

11. Get up to leave. “You have a radiance about you. You’re going to do great things”.

12. Have long conversation with strange well dressed old man. Talk about life, Reiki, Harvard, and listen to all his advice about your life with pinch of salt, and some amusement.

13. Long train and bus ride home, listening to music and feeling at peace.

14. Find out that there’s been an accident.

15. Heat up chilli chicken, bhindi, and tortillas.

16. Call up friend and manhandle oven while laughing over life, love, and randomfluff.

17. Settle down. Receive goodnews about housing and the kindness of strangers.

18. Be profoundly grateful for the xx. Notice what a great bum Florence W. has.

19. Plan springbreak with friend.

Annual end of year reflection-2012

1What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
2012’s been a helluva year for new things. I’ll try to list as many as I can remember.
-had someone i knew very well die an untimely, unnatural death
– smoked up
-drunken mistake number 1,2,3,4,50
-learned how to grind (yesreally)
-went on a pubcrawl
-been kissed multiple times by multiple women
-been in the middle of a terrible split, come out of it relatively unscathed
-bagged an internship at harvard; come jan, i will be moving to boston and the states for the very first time
– lost all faith and confidence in myself and completely broken down
– stayed over at a proper sleepover party (thankyou sambit and rupsha!)
– made the first move(ish)
– bust casting- got top half naked with a bunch of unknown women, sat in a circle and cooperatively made casts of our breasts
– read asimov, watched Monty Python, listened to tom waits- yes these are significant enough to be listed here
– gotten into the blues (thankyou neelu)
– made a lot of new friends with much confidence, without swallowing my tongue or letting my usual- well previous awkwardness rob me of my ability to speak
– explored cal on foot, thoroughly
– behaved like a completely irrational sap, bid goodbye to my ego
– written exams without driving myself into blind panic about them
– cooked, started cooking properly- i made soup guys! chicken noodle soup from scratch!
– lost a whole ton of weight, gone on a proper running routine, done that whole thing where you wake up at 5:30 am to go for a morning run before you start your day
– gone on a proper diet for like 2 months- it worked too; then i became happy and lazy
– wanted to do things i hadn’t wanted to before, and liked em
–  visited sodpur (lol?)
– gotten my first vacation in three years (existential fear factor, yes)
– long distance
– worked at an ngo with the children of sex-workers
– gotten into a scuffle with er..metro police?
– been awarded a scholarship
-gotten three job offers- one at a major toronto hospital, two at harvard (yes i’m gloating)
– watched Dylan and Knopfler live. I can’t say enough about this so I won’t say anything at all.
– had a lot of epiphanies
– started the process of coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a terrible person. self-love, self-love, self-love.
– torn a ligament, passed out, called 911, been taken to emergency in an ambulance
– got stung by a wasp
-started a secretblog, and a shared musicblog
-started liking beer
-did a photoshoot
2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well, I did lose weight (and then gained most of it back), and eat healthy and cook lots (and then start eating trash again), and become focused on my academics. So I guess sort’ve? My new resolution is to stick to my resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yeah. Not emotionally I guess, but physically? And mentally.
5. What countries did you visit?
Canada, India. Same as last year.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Published papers, a significant involvement in research I love, a 4.2. More: kindness,  balance, travelling, concerts, writing, self-love.
Wishful thinking: My voice back, my boyfriend in the same place. This was the 2012 list:
Inner peace. Better grades. Significant involvement in a cause I’m committed to, an extracurricular I love. The right significant other? Better hair. More compassion and thoughtfulness. Patience. Better time management. A fitter and healthier body. The ability to see a good story through the initial few chapters to the very end. The start of a long term research involvement. The opposite of my usual inertia and ennui. Confidence.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
– Feb 14th- the night R.B died and I balanced a stupid plate of dal on my hand
– April 23rd- the night I landed in Calcutta, seeing Trisha, Adi, and Piu at the airport and finally believing that I was back home
– July 17th- cuz N finally reached the end of his rational thought process
– August 7th- cuz it was a new birthday to put on the list of donotforget. And it was a nice time
– Sep 11th- cuz I dreaded it for so long, and then it came and I left
– November 14th- because I watched Dylan and Knopfler live and it was indescribable
– October 26th- cuz rankings came out and I went out with a bang, just like I wanted
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
– Doing major amounts of growing up
– Surviving Winter term long enough to drag my arse home where thankfully summer happened
– Bagging three job offers
– Getting on Dean’s Honour Roll, and excellent standing
– Keeping my promise to myself to write all of my exams this term
– Somehow managing not to screw up hobo and crazy thus far
– Not indulging in self sabotage long enough to let myself fall in love
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh. I got so distracted and happy that I failed my non-credit PD course. And forgot to contact that prof for research. Ohwell.
Losing my temper too often at my family. Falling off course with the diet and eating healthy and running.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I tore a ligament right before finals week. And I got a nasty bout of flu during reading week. And I got stung by a wasp.
11. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine for going after the things I wanted and getting allofem =D
Squg for being dignified and a lady in a very old world sense of the term. For being a bundle of goodness and joy.
Neelu for dealing with all my crazy.
Piu for unconditional support, and for finding her way and getting her act together. Trisha for being the fiercely loyal and kickass person she is.
Emily for being the wonderful generous person she is.
12. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Er. I don’t want to say.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Eating out =( I gave Burger King, Mozy’s and Tim Horton’s LOTS of steady business.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going home for the summer. Neelu. The job I got offered at Princess Margaret. Harvard and Boston. Sambit’s farewell. New Light. The Dylan-Knopfler concert.
15. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Sweet thing- The Waterboys/Van Morrison. So far away, What it is- Knopfler. Bird on a wire- Bonamassa’s cover of Cohen. So long Marianne- Cohen. Gun street girl, Hold on- Waits.  Waits in general. I want you, You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go, All along the watchtower, Like a rolling stone- Dylan. Womaniya, Moora. Sittin’ on top of the world. Heroin- VU. Pine moon- Feist. Bloom- The Paper Kites. I saw her standing there, Someday(heh)- the Beatles. Wagon wheel- Old Crow Medicine Show. Drift away- Dobie gray. Lover you should’ve come over- Buckley.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?’
Last year this time I was in Toronto, it was a very nice time, and I was quite happy. This year I’m alone in ghost town for the next two weeks. Overall however, 2012 has been unbelievable, in terms of the incredible things it has brought me. So happier, I guess. And very, very grateful.
17. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spending more time with the grandparents, brother. Reading. Making out. Running. Cooking.
18. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating junk, brooding over things, procrastinating, taking out my temper on my fam cuz it was easy
19. How will you be spending Christmas?
I will try to find a church to haunt. I will bring back spiced eggnog and a shawarma. I will watch a movie and read Lord of the Rings and go to bed.
20. Did you fall in love in 2012?
H, L and S.
21. How many one night stands?
None.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
I don’t watch TV. Gilmore Girls, I guess. And Criminal Minds.
23. What was the best book you read?
Good Omens, I think. It was a lifesaver on the plane back. I just started LOTR so anticipation. Kafka on the Shore. The Great Indian Novel.  Animal Farm.
24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man. 2012’s been a brilliant year as far as musical discoveries are concerned. A large part of this has to do with Neelu. All the blues stuff. Right now I’m really loving John Hammond and JJ Cale. In general, my absolute new favourite is Tom Waits. Listened to a lot of Cohen and Dylan for extensive periods of time. Knopfler in a big way, and Knopfler himself is responsible for this 😀
The Velvet Underground whom I absolutely loved. I listened to lots of the Beatles as usual. Tallest Man on Earth. Jefferson Airplane. Bonamassa. The Grateful Dead, whom I still have to listen to a lot more of. Jeff Buckley!
25. What did you want and get?
Love.
Happiness.
A good GPA and job offers and Harvard.
26. What did you want and not get?
Nothing. I got everything I wanted.
27. What was your favourite film of this year?
In theatre? Gangs of Wasseypur.
I fell in love with Woody Allen, Annie Hall in particular- those lobsters kill me. Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
It’s coming up on the 30th. I’m alone in ghost town right now. I’ll wake up, talk to people, eat something, read something, watch something. Might go to Symposium and buy myself cake. Byas.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. I got everything I wanted, and more. Well, being able to go home for the winter would have been nice, but that’s just greediness. And having N closer would’ve been great, but that’s more greediness.
30. What kept you sane?
Ma, Trisha, Piu, Tony, Anushka, Upi, Shalmi, Neelu, Emily.
31. Who was the worst new person you met?
Stupid new bitch roommate.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Upasana whom I’d technically met before but I really got to know her this year. Sattam. Amrusha. Pratiti. Shibansu. Tanuka (whom I technically haven’t met yet). Neelu.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learnt in 2012.
Only worry about one thing at a time. Take life one moment at a time.
If you want something, go after it. Stop being passive. Go out and grab what you want.
All that self-love bullshit isn’t bullshit.
Making soup is easy.
I have an infinite capacity to surprise myself.
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Hey, it’s me, I’m dynamite
And I don’t know why

Things I did this weekend (in random order)

  1. Cleaned the house
  2. Found a subletter for my room
  3. Went grocery shopping
  4. Met potential roommate for next year on a shawarma-date
  5. Watched ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’, ‘Moonrise Kingdom’, ‘Juno’, and half of ‘Everyone Says I Love You’, and ‘Me, You and Everyone We Know’
  6. Cooked khichdi and rajma
  7. Wrote a letter to myself
  8. Started reading Isaac Asimov for the very first time. Finished his ‘Robot’ collection.
  9. Got my period (sigh/relief. bring on the painkillers)
  10. Read my very first Ursula Le Guin- The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
  11. Worked on feeling better about myself and being able to spend time with myself without feeling like crap
  12. Decided to stop the binge eating and start eating healthy again.

It’s been a very long, relaxing, unproductive sort of weekend. The first one in ages, where I did absolutely nothing work related without any sort of guilt. I was planning to study for my ‘Death’ midterm later this week, but I didn’t. I couldn’t help moping in parts, but at least I didn’t degenerate to wanting to kill myself. Progress there.

Lull before the storm. Finals hit on the 11th. Oh Boy.

Things I will still have

  1. My  two best friends who have become family, whom I can always lean on, and who will always think that I am worth the effort despite conflicts
  2. My parents, who don’t really have a choice in the matter
  3. My brother, who looks after me in his own way, and surprises me with his considerateness occasionally
  4. My gramps who are the most pure reservoir of unconditional love that I have been lucky enough to experience
  5. This amazing, amazing support system of women who make me so incredibly glad that I was born a woman
  6. My body which miraculously seems to get hotter with each passing day though I have long since given up my exercise routine (the trick I think, is to eat smaller portions and skip meals because you’re busy, too lazy to cook, or broke, and to run around a lot for work)
  7. My internship at <insertname> prestigious university that I’ve dreamed of since I was twelve
  8. My grade point average
  9. My sense of humour
  10. My writing, this blog
  11. Good people who may not be everything, but they are some things, and for this I’m grateful
  12. My legs which enable me to run, run, run far past demons giving chase and leave them all behind, if only for an hour or two
  13. My virginity (oh man.)
  14. My voice which has long since rusted, but which is not irretrievable
  15. My capacity to be vulnerable to another person (even if it will inevitably disappear for a while)
  16. My intelligence
  17. My capacity for warmth, and spontaneity, and love, and affection
  18. My love for a city- which will always be home, even if it is peppered with certain memories now
  19. Music, musicians that I will always love, new songs that I will discover and make my own
  20. An awesome future to look forward to, because I now know that I will make it there, no matter what
  21. Good old friends, whom I haven’t outgrown, who are like little doses of warmth
  22. The way coffee makes me feel- the first sip spreading warmth through my body like electricity
  23. Travelling the world, living in strange places, making stories- whether on my own or with other special people
  24. The hope of a happy future involving a child whom I will adopt and possibly call Mica or Zhia (ref: Wristcutters)
  25. My hair which I will always love and hate
  26. My dark brown eyes, which the optometry student from that one time told me have flecks of gold in them, which will someday look at someone else like they mean the world
  27. My love of good food, and the opportunity to eat it
  28. My desire to make a difference, however cliched it sounds, the capacity to improve human lives
  29. My ability to be a really good friend, to make people feel like they matter, and give them the support they need
  30. My love for good cinema, art- and the infinite amount of stuff I haven’t discovered yet
  31. My imagination, creativity
  32. Things I have not thought of yet, because this could go on a while and this is good news.

So, I went through a rough patch recently. A bunch of things combined  (school/work/relationship) pretty much did all they could to do my head in. Caring for someone else can be painful, and me being how I am (not the world’s most balanced person), it’s always all or nothing. This is for the future, to remind me if I need it, that with or without someone- no matter how special I think they are, and how badly I want them in my life- I don’t actually need them. I will still have a whole bunch of stuff that nothing can take away from me, and life will still be fucking awesome.

I know that I will need reminding. I also know that I will have people ready to remind me, people ready to pick up the pieces. But I’d like to do something nice for myself, since I’m starting to be okay with believing that I’m worth it.

Apparently 6 an…

Apparently 6 and a half hours of sleep is the new ideal. Sounds like good news for me.

I slept from 5pm to 5am last night. It may have been the exhaustion from the past week, or it may just be that SAD is getting to me. Today is supposed to be productive. On the agenda:

1. Laundry (from the past 2-3 weeks)

2. Grocery shopping- tomatoes, eggs, chicken, mushrooms, cereal, sandwich cold cuts

3. Cooking- rajma, fried rice  (did this Monday night/ Tuesday morning till 2 am, goodtimes)

4. Studying for the Ecology midterm

5. Lab prep

Things with the boyfriend are weirdly weird. Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I need to talk to him soon. I hate my head. I wish I were more normal, sometimes.