On secrets

I was talking to my boyfriend a couple of weeks back and we were speaking of secrets. I told him, a little surprised at the realization, that I barely had any secrets any longer. ‘So does that mean you’re less interesting now?’, he teased.

I don’t think it’s that though. I think I am just less ashamed now. Back in high school, even near the beginning of college, my secrets were all about things I was ashamed about.

Mental illness, a dysfunctional family, crippling anxiety and self doubt, sexual assault, OCD episodes, hooking up, my writing which was less about love-stories and more about things like a fifth grader watching her schizophrenic sister being taken away for the last time, the fact that I trained in classical music. My jealous nature, my bad temper, my desire which remained hidden behind the veil of being a ‘good girl’. The intensity of my emotions, my depression which was all but undetectable behind the ‘bubbly-smiling-pretty-girl’ facade. And so on.

I like growing up, I do. I no longer have to hide. I’m not judging myself any longer, and if people turn away from me because it is too much, then well it’s a loss, but I’ll survive. So far, they haven’t for the most part.

When I have secrets these days, it is usually about things I am waiting to come to fruition and don’t want to tell people about just yet.

Here’s to more of the same 🙂

Work in progress

I am cooking to cope with stress, and dishing up completely new and edible (quite delicious actually) things that I’ve never tried before. I made chicken noodle soup from Smitten Kitchen yesterday- from scratch, except for the Pasta. I’m cleaning regularly, and doing dishes as and when I use them. Today morning I woke up and saw a huge leggy yellow spider scuttling across my door. I slowly opened the door, got a shoe and squashed that motherfucker till it stopped moving. Without emitting a single high pitched squeal. I even folded all the clothes post laundry over the weekend.

What is happening to me? I think I might be *shudder* growing up!