Insert epiphany here

Sometimes the person it is the hardest to love, is yourself. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I was born with a strange cocktail of chemicals in my brain that gives me a predisposition towards self loathing. Who knows? The point is that I have finally, finally come to realize that loving yourself or self love and all that jazz isn’t really some pissy bullshit that women’s magazines talk about, and people with too much time on their hands think about. It’s something that is absolutely necessary and essential. I’m beginning to realize exactly how much the way I feel about myself and my own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth colour my interactions with other people, the way I react to situations and my relationships- essentially my whole life. So, this really is more a matter of utmost urgency, and less a matter to be brought up on a rainy day when I’m bored. Has this insecurity, and relentless hungering for more,better,best spurred me on to achieve things and led me to the accomplishments I’ve stacked up? Maybe. Probably, even. But I think I’ve reached the point in my life today, where I have a healthy desire to succeed anyway, and this whole inadequacy thing is becoming more of a real problem than a motivation.

So yeah- I guess what I’m saying is, 2012 marks the time when I actively start to work on being okay with myself. No matter how many friends or people tell me that I’m great, I’m not going to really believe it on an intrinsic level because you just can’t rely on others for self-validation.

So, here goes. I have no idea how I’m actually going to get to point Z from point A/idon’tknowwhatthefucki’mdoing but it’s a process, right? Right.

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Things I will do

  • i will get a job
  • i will stop wondering if you really do love me, and if i’m completely wasting my time, and letting my anxieties and insecurities invade everything and eat up my brains and give me ulcers.
  • i will file my own taxes
  • i will apply for scholarships
  • i will cook things and eat them, and not have to grimace and force them down
  • i will apply to lots of places, everywhere, and get it this coming season
  • i will be happy
  • i will call the gramps more often
  • i will be more civil, more kind to my family
  • i will learn kickboxing
  • i will meditate
  • i will not procrastinate. i will do what i need to, when i should.
  • i will stop feeling so goddamn isolated and lonely, and propagating it (willfully that too)
  • i will find 3 good things about myself and cultivate them
  • i will be a good friend
  • i will be a good sister
  • i will be a good daughter, grand daughter
  • i will give my creativity room to breathe, and indulge in productive expression
  • i will start taking pictures and chronicling the beauty i find even here
  • i will practice gratefulness for having the life that i do, everyday
  • i will give all the exams i’m supposed to this semester without having a nervous breakdown
  • i will be organized and actually use my planner
  • i will bake myself a birthday cake
  • i will sleep a healthy amount
  • i will read 10 more books by the end of this year
  • i will answer emails on time
  • i will stop putting things off from lethargy (then proceed to feel like shit about myself because i’m not doing anything because i put it off because i was lethargic because i feel like shit about myself because..)
  • i will stop dropping friends like they’re hot whenever it strikes my fancy
  • i will get my voice back
  • i will contribute something positive to society
  • i will feel good about the way i look, not through delusion, but by conscious effort and acceptance
  • i will stop whining and start fixing things
  • i will print out pictures of all the new us’s and put them up
  • i will sort through my clothes and declutter
  • i will make use of the blue wool
  • i will figure out a way to find my calm without frantically calling up whomever i happen to be feeling manically close to atm